here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
