I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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