you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
