he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
