dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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