honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
