Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
