She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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