swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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