Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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