i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
