I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
