Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
