your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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