I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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