i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He told me they were just razor bumps!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
