There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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