Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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