I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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