Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
