Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
