i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
should my penis look like a turkey
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Did you pee in the oven last night??
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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