Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
