My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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