If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
