we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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