just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Soap is not a condiment
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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