Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
