That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
