Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
