Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
