hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
