girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
