i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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