If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
