I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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