Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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