I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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