I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
