he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
