I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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