It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
