my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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