Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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