Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
