i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
