I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
