The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
