Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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