Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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