at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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